


The Mysterious Mystery

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Dwarves like to bet on stupid things, Fluff, Kili is dumb but we love him, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-18
Updated: 2013-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-26 00:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili has had a suitor for weeks. Everyone knows of course, except for him, and since the dwarves all took bets on the situation, no one will tell him a thing. All he can do is investigate, though this might prove to be harder than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mysterious Mystery

Bilbo had come to Kili the morning after they had arrived at Beorn’s, a serious frown on his beardless face. That alone had been enough to worry the young dwarf, who had rarely seen the hobbit so grave, except when confronting Azog.

Though he did not see what could be so bad. It was the beginning of a fine day, they finally had food and drinks, they had cleaned themselves and slept in front of a fire, and now they were most of them sitting on the grass, admiring Beorn’s hives from a distance.

“Anything the matter, Mr Boggins?” Kili asked. “Worried one of the bees will sting you? They’re quite big. Just one little prick and you’ll pass out, I’m sure.”

“I am feeling perfectly safe, and I am assured they are very well behaved bees, thank you. But I need to talk to you, Kili. See, I’ve been talking with Bofur about the ways you dwarves go about seducing and courting people you like, and he’s explained how all that works.”

Kili stared at him with round eyes.

“Mr Boggins, I am most honoured of your interest,” he said carefully, “But I think you should know that, while you are a hobbit of great value, you are far too... beardless and small and hobbity for my tastes, and...”

“I am not trying to court you!”Bilbo protested loudly. “I am not trying to court _anyone_ for that matter, and I don’t care what some people think, it’s the whole truth. Bloody dwarves, you can’t be nice and decent toward them without having them think you’re trying to bed them! Well, I’m not.”

Kili nodded, trying to hide a smile. The entire company was taking bets about whether the hobbit had more than friendly feelings for their king. At first they had been trying to see if there were such feelings at all, but in the last couple days they main interest was on naming the day where a proper declaration would happen. Which was probably why Bofur had told the hobbit about dwarvish seducing habits in the first place, he must have wanted to speed up the process.

“Well then, if it’s not me you’re after, how can I help you with your courting? I’m not much good with it I’m afraid, you’d better ask Gloin instead, he’s the married one.”

“I said I wasn’t courting anyone!” Bilbo repeated stubbornly. “And I am not here to ask for advice, but to give you some. Tell me, Kili, haven’t you noticed that you were the objects of... particular attentions from someone in the group?”

“Am I? Really? I can’t say I had seen it, no. Who is it?”

“You really can’t tell? _How_? Even I had seen... clues, but I wasn’t sure what they all meant until Bofur told me. And I discussed it with him, and he said they were all very surprised that you weren’t reacting to encourage or discourage it.”

“I didn’t even _know_ there was something to encourage! Who is it? _Do I know him_? Well, that was a stupid question, of course I know him.”

“So, you really don’t know. Well then, try to think about it, won’t you? Because the two of you would be lovely together, I’m sure of it. We all are, actually. And, well, I would tell you who it is, but apparently they have all bet on whether or not you’d realize what’s going on, and if you would act, and all sorts of things, so I’m not allowed to say a word more.”

And that very idea seemed to annoy the hobbit, who clearly didn’t seen what the fun was in making bets on someone’s romantic life. Kili, who had always loved making such bets, was starting to see how they could be a bother for those directly concerned. Still, he thanked the hobbit for having talked to him, and once Bilbo had gone, he tried to think about what he had just learned.

Only, he didn’t have much time to think about anything, because he was quickly joined by Ori, who was holding a plate with small honey cakes on them. Where he had found them was a mystery, but Kili was not one to refuse food when it was offered to him.

“What did Master Baggins want with you?” Ori asked in his soft voice, barely a whisper, really. “Why was he screaming about courting? Do... do you... Well, are you and him...”

“What? Never!” Kili answered, his mouth full of cake. “Me, and a _halfling_? Haven’t you seen his cheeks, he looks like a babe! I’d need a real man or a real woman to court, not some childish creature that only knows the world from his books! No, he just came to tell me that, apparently, someone’s been trying to woo me for a while, and I’ve never really noticed. Can you believe that?”

“They must not do a very good job of it then,” the younger dwarf after a moment. “I’d even say they are quite terrible at it, if you really haven’t seen a thing.”

That made Kili laugh.

“Good to see you agree then! What sort of a dwarf can be so bad at that? But we can’t all be gifted in matters of the heart, or course. And, well, I suppose now I’ll have to try and find out who it is. Hm... if everyone else has noticed it, the he must have done all the traditional stuff, I suppose. Hey, Ori, what’s the first thing you’d do if you wanted to bring yourself to someone’s attentions?”

“I’d give them food,” the young dwarf said while passing him another cake. “Especially now that we never know when we’re going to eat next.”

“Exactly. And who’s in charge of all the food? _Bombur_. Urgh, but that’s no good! I don’t want Bombur! I guess I’d better go tell him right now that it just won’t work out.”

And just like that, he ran to the fat dwarf, ignoring entirely the way Ori sighed as he looked at the cakes in his hands.

* * *

 

“Don’t take it the wrong way, laddie, but I’ve got a lady friend waiting for me home, and she’s a much better cook than you, with a fine beard. I’d never go courting a little _child_ like you either.”

Kili wasn’t sure if he should have been relieved or not by Bombur’s rejection. On the one hand, breaking the cook’s heart on such a journey was never a good idea, and it could have gone very bad if he’d made the fat dwarf sad. But on the other hand, that meant he still had no idea who his mysterious suitor was.

Because three brains were better than one, Kili called for a special meeting with Fili and Ori. The first because he was his brother, and so Kili was fairly sure there were little chance that he was the one courting him. The second because the little blond dwarf spent too much time reading and writing and doing all sorts of scholarly things, and his cleverness could be very helpful.

“We’re not supposed to help you, you know,” Fili complained. “You do understand that everyone’s been betting, and that I’d probably try to influence you so that I win, right?”

“And what did you bet?”

“Can’t tell you. But if I didn’t like the dwarf going after you, don’t you think I’d have put an end to it?”

“So he’s someone you like and approve of, then?”

Fili looked terribly uncomfortable, and next to him, Ori burrowed his head in his notebook.

“Well, I think you could do worse, little brother. But that’s all I can say, because that can be said of the entire company. But he’s a nice one, though probably a bit stupid if he’s going after an idiot like you.”

“Oh, thank you for that,” Kili grumbled. “It is so nice to know I’m appreciated here. But seriously, I need help. Just... tell me what you’d do if you were courting someone. We’ve ruled out food already, so what else?”

“Presents,” his brother suggested. “Something handmade. Showing off your skill. If you’re a miner, you make something with a ruby you found, if you’re a smith you make them jewels, if knitting’s more your thing, you make them a nice warm scarf so they won’t get sick once you’re in the mountain...”

“Oh!”

“What?”

“I know who it is!” Kili exclaimed. “This time I know for sure!”

Fili and Ori looked at him expectantly.

“It’s Bofur,” the dark haired dwarf said triumphantly. “He made me a _spoon_ that time, when I had lost mine. Oh! Or maybe it’s Nori! He helped me make new arrows at Rivendell! Or, or, or Oin, because he gave me that little pot of balm! He said it was because I’m an idiot who keeps hurting himself, but wasn’t that a bit suspicious?”

“What’s suspicious is your lack of a brain,” his brother groaned. “Oin had a wife in Erebor, _everyone_ knows that. And _Bofur_ is next in line to court the hobbit if Uncle decides he doesn’t want to.”

“Well, then it means it’s Nori. But don’t worry, I’ll find a nice way to tell him I’m not interested.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just... release a general statement that you’re not interested in anyone?”Ori mumbled. “Unless there’s someone you like and you think this is your chance?”

“Ori, you are very nice and all, but it’s not that easy,” Kili sighed. “I could think I’m not interested in a general way, but start seeing him in a new way after realizing all the nice things he’s done for me. I don’t expect you to understand that, you’re a bit young yet of course.”

“He’s only three years younger than you,” Fili said. “And he knows more about romance than you, trust me on that. Our little Ori knows just how to court someone, and given a chance he’d be pretty good at it, right?”

That strange remark intrigued Kili. Ori was blushing madly and trying to escape, but Fili had grabbed his sleeve and was forcing to stay where he was, while making faces at his brother, as if he expected him to understand something.

“Are the two of you... an item?”Kili asked with a small trace of suspicion. “I mean, I never noticed anything before, and really, Ori, you deserve a _lot_ better than that, but...”

“Durin’s beard, you are the most _stupid_ dwarf the world has ever known, little brother!”Fili yelled in frustration. “I swear I’m changing my bets this instant. You are so... dumb. Come on Ori, let him go make a fool of himself in front of Nori, that’s all the idiot deserve! ”

As he watched them leave, Kili thought he still couldn’t tell if they were together or not. But if really something was going on there, he’d probably have to let Dori or Nori know, because he just couldn’t approve of the way Fili seemed to be treating the poor young dwarf. Ori was a shy, soft little thing, and should have been treated nicely and delicately.

 

* * *

 

Nori’s answer to the young prince’s interrogations was a loud laughter, as if he’d never heard anything more ridiculous in his life, but next to him, Dori seemed extremely angry for a mysterious reason. For a short second, Kili feared that the old, impossibly well-mannered dwarf was his mysterious suitor, but before he could say a world, Dori let him know it wasn’t so.

“You’re not a very clever one, young price, and it’s good you’re not the heir to the throne. If I didn’t respect your mother as I do, I’d think she’d lain with an elf to have you!”

“Don’t be harsh with the boy!” Nori protested. “Face like that, do you think he’s been romanced often? Only a _mother_ could like such a face, a mother or a foolish lover with poor taste.”

“You do realize I am _right here_ , don’t you? I can _hear_ you.”

“Wouldn’t be half as fun if you weren’t. Now why don’t you go play somewhere and work on your little investigation, hm? You should ask Ori for help, I’m told he’s rather good at all that romancing business. Must be all these books he reads and all.”

There was a wink from Nori then, and an angry grunt from Dori. Annoyed that not only they wouldn’t help him, but that they thought it funny to make fun of his unfortunate face, Kili walked away, trying to look dignified. That, of course, only made Nori laugh harder.

 

* * *

 

At the end of the day, Kili found he still had no clue as to who was secretly in love with him. Worse yet, Fili seemed to be quite angry at him, and Ori had started avoiding him entirely after having said that he should probably forget this whole business, as he would only be disappointed if he discovered his suitor. Which left him with four dwarves potentially trying to seduce him, and no one to talk to beside Thorin and Bilbo. And since the first would probably scold him for caring about such silly things in the middle of something so dangerous, that left Kili with only once choice.

After dinner, he went to sit beside the hobbit, looking as miserable as a During teenage dwarf could look.

“It take it you little investigation doesn't go too well then?” Bilbo asked with a smile. “I've heard you'd made some... interesting conclusions during the day, but that you still hadn't solved your problem.”

“I'm not even sure I want to solve it anymore! I've eliminated Bombur, Bofur, Oin, Nori, Dori, and Fili and Thorin of course. And they already weren't much, but now everyone that's left is... old or married or scary...”

“Everyone. Really? Tell me, for the sake of an argument, can you tell me exactly who is left? Simple curiosity, nothing more.”

“Well, there's Gloin, who's very much married, and then Balin, who's old as a mountain, and Bifur and Dwalin who... just aren't the type. So maybe it was all just a big prank. What do you think?”

“I think you're a little bit of an idiot sometimes, but I believe everyone must have told you already. Now, and on a completely different subject: that's a very nice scarf you have here, I don't recall you having it when we left the Shire.”

Kili's face lit up with a smile.

“Oh, that's from Ori. He's always knitting you know, and since I don't have a beard to keep me warm, he made this for me.”

“Well then, if it's a present, you should take better care of it! There are crumbs all over it!”

“Ah, damn it! They must be from the cakes,” Kili grumbled while trying to clean the scarf.

“Cakes?” Bilbo repeated a little bit too innocently. “And where did you get these?”

“Ah, well, they were from Or...”

There was a moment of silence.

“Oh,” simply said Kili.

“Yes, _oh_ indeed. Now that we've made this clear, I suggest you get your ass out of here and into the kitchen to talk to that poor boy because one way or another, he deserves an answer.”

The young dwarf didn't have to be told twice. He stood up quickly and ran to the kitchen, ignoring those of the older dwarves that were complaining that Bilbo had ruined their fun.

* * *

 

The kitchen was darker than the main hall, but Kili immediately saw Ori sitting in a corner, his notebook in hand. He looked rather miserable, and didn't that break Kili's heart to see him like that. But approaching him with any appearance of pity would end badly, the dark haired dwarf was sure or that. Ori was often treated as if he weren't much by their elders, but that didn't mean he didn't have his pride. Kili would have to be very careful if he didn't want to ruin everything.

Trying to look as relaxed as he could, he walked toward the other dwarf and allowed himself to fall next to him. That made Ori jump, and for a second Kili thought he would go away, but instead the blond dwarf just pretended to be so absorbed by his notebook that he didn't notice a thing.

“Well, hm... good read?” Kili asked.

Ori didn't answer, but he tensed visibly, and put the book even closer to his face. This was going to be difficult, but Kili was a Durin, and that involved some stubbornness issues.

“So... apparently, you've been trying to court me since we left the Shire, and I'm the only one who didn't know?”

 _Oh, yes, because that was the best way to go about that, wasn't it?_ Maybe all the others were right and he really _was_ stupid after all. He tried to find an idea, something to say that would make things right, but he was too slow. Next to him, Ori sharply closed his notebook and started talking, starring intensely at his own hands.

“I'll stop, okay?” He said coldly. “Guess it's as much of a joke for you as 'tis for the others, yes? Was pretty stupid of me. Should have known I had nothing that could interest a prince, 'm just a child with a slingshot. Bit of a joke, really. But don't worry, I won't bother you anymore.”

“But what if I _want_ you to bother me?”

“Oh, stop it,” Ori grumbled. “I'm not a child, I can take the truth, can't I? You've never even looked at me during the entire trip and you've been thinking all day long about who could like you, and I've never crossed your mind even once. I bet even now, someone had to tell you, right?”

“Yeah, but... you're just out of my league, aren't you? So why would I even bother trying?”

And that was the truth of it, wasn't it? Kili looked like a bloody elf, a short, skinny elf with no proper beard, while Ori... well, Ori was younger than him, but he had that nice blond beard carefully braided, and a beautiful nose, and a face that was as dwarvish as you could get, and scholar as he was, he had a great, square body, and really what chance did Kili have?

But at least, that caught Ori's attention who, finally, looked at him, half angry and half hopeful.

“Are you messing with me? You're a prince. No one can be out of your league. It the whole point of being royalty, isn't it?”

“Well, then. I'm an ugly prince, you're a very pretty scholar, let's say we're even and make out?”

That made Ori laugh, but only until Kili started kissing him. Or at least, tried to kiss him, only to be stopped by a strong hand on his mouth, and a stern look from the other.

“You don't seriously think it will be that easy, do you?” Ori said. “You have ignored me for weeks, and now you think I'll just let you have your way with me, just like that?”

“But I thought the whole point of this was that you _wanted_ me to have my way with you!”

“Well, I do. Very much. But you've made it difficult for me, so I can't see why I would make it easy for _you_!”

In normal circumstances, Kili would have noticed that Ori's frown had made way to a shy, playful smile, the way the blond dwarf's hands had found their way on his shoulders. He didn't though, his entire mind frozen on the horrifying idea that he might have to wait before he could touch the other.

“You're really not that bright sometimes,” Ori sighed with affection. “But Aulë help me, I still like you.”

And, just to make his point clear, he kissed Kili. And, suddenly, the young prince decided that he really didn't care if he was not so smart, as long as he could get kisses like that one.

  
  


The end

**Author's Note:**

> Next time, I swear Kili will be the one with a not-secret-at-all crush, just to be fair on poor Ori.  
> Also, headcanon time: Ori is the dwarf equivalent of a male underwear model. Kili, with his nice elfish face, is Ugly Betty.  
> Also headcanon: Kili isn't actually stupid, it's just that Durin's line really isn't good at emotional things (Fili is lucky and takes from his father for that)


End file.
